Those Damn Cell Phones

Hello All,

Sorry for the delay in updating the site. The Rooster had a temporary case of writer's block. It doesn't happen often but when it does, it knocks me out of the game like I just got kicked in the marbles. And to all my feathered friends who should be posting, get going!! Your ruffling The Rooster's feathers.

So The Rooster came across yet another thing to gripe about. Imagine this, your having a conversation with someone, be it your friend, lover, whatever..and as they're talking you hear someone else talking, usually about something you don't want to hear about, like their colonoscopy or STD tests. You look around and wonder where it's coming from. AHA!! Someone, being obviously rude and obtrusive is chatting on a cell phone for all the world to hear. Like the poor bastards who have to be around this person want to hear about their life. You see this kind of thing happening in supermarkets, restaurants, and even movie theaters. Why dear God, why, did you put such inconsiderate, moronic people on this earth. When and if, I ever get to meet God, I'm putting a suggestion in his box that before he blesses us with these morons, he toss a few in the refuse bin, and go about his merry way. I'm sure he has better things to do than figure out ways to make the world a worse place to live.

Anyway, The Rooster digresses. Why am I talking about this? Because I was the poor bastard who got stuck next to one of these people. For 45 minutes, this person rambled on about her life like it actually didn't suck. I would have gnawed off my own leg if I had any chance of escaping this horrible fate. Unfortunately, there was no where for the rooster to go. For 45 minutes, I heard about her friends, her love-life(which judging by the appearance of this person couldn't really be that good), the cruise ship she was going on(again, judging her by her appearance, that cruise liner better have enough food on board), and how she was thinking of dieting but then decided she didn't need to(Trust me, she did).

In case any of you want to know or try to visualize how much of an agony this is, try slamming your head in a car door for 45 minutes. Trust me, when your done you will still feel better than I did after this ordeal. I felt violated and dirty and there was no escaping the mental images I had while listening to her talk. So to all those who have suffered the same agonizing fate, The Rooster knows what your going through.

I have thought about ways to stop this horrible fate from happening to other people and I came up with a situation I call The Rooster's "Poke and Peel". Here's how it works. When you encounter one of these people, wait a few minutes to see if they finish their conversation. They may stop and that makes them ok to be around. However, if after 5 minutes they don;t stop or the conversation takes a turn for the worse(love-life, STD's, etc..), put the "Poke and Peel" into action. First, "Poke" them in the ribs with an elbow or a metal pipe. Then as they turn to see what's going on, "Peel" the phone out of their hands and throw that sh*t away. Problem solved. However, if the person you need to use the "Poke and Peel" is a rather large person, your poke in the ribs may not have the desired effect. In this case, go for a soft spot, like the eye or ears. But if you go for the ears, wet your finger first. It makes it easier to startle the person, thus directing their attention from the phone to the intruding finger invading their personal space.

Alright folks, that's the Rooster rant for now. You should see some posts from others soon, so have a good one, and let The Rooster know if you have something you need to b*tch about. No gripe is too small!!

Rooster's Train Ride

Alright people....

It's time to bring it down another notch. Will all the Fat people please stand up!! Literally. What is up with fat people trying to squeeze their oversized asses into tiny little subway seats? I mean let's be serious here. How do you possibly think your going to fit into a tiny seat when you need the jaws of life just to get out of your pants? Now, don't misunderstand The Rooster. I'm not talking about all over-sized people(Plus size people need love too!!). I'm talking about the ghetto ass, white trash sort that know their fat but still think their hot.

How do you spot one of these behemoths? First, find the tightest corner on a subway car you can find and look around. There is bound to be one of these people. A clear give away is the clothing. They know the sh*t doesn't fit but they think they look good anyway. Let's be clear here: If your fat and it's a small shirt, that sh*t doesn't fit. You know that so why try? Go pick out a bigger size. If they don't have your size, go find a sheet and make your own sh*t. But never leave the house with your fat hanging out like it's posing for a photo-shoot.

So now that you've identified your target, and believe me you can't miss them, watch the behavior of these people. They loiter next to these seats like a vulture does to roadkill in the desert. I say roadkill because that is exactly what the poor bastard's in the other seat are. Their dead and you just don't know it yet. Because when that planet comes crashing into that seat, they're frozen in fear, like a deer caught in the headlights. It's happened to me, more than once, and each time it seems the person next to me just gets bigger and bigger. One of these days friends, The Rooster will not be making it out alive.

Just the other day, these massive walking dinosaur(which I thought were extinct), came crashing into me. I don't know if it was the smell of blood from a paper cut I had, or the snickers bar I was eating that attracted her, but man, when fat people move, there is no stopping that freight train. You can't stop it, you just have to get out the way fast enough. So there I am munching on a snickers, tending to my wound, when this walking ton of lard, sat down next to me. I literally felt the seat bend in the middle. It felt like the ground opened and was about to swallow me whole. After the fear of death passed, I got really annoyed. Why you ask? Because this person was so fat, their leg was draped over my leg like an enormous snow suit. It took me almost 5 minutes to tunnel out from under that massive amount of flesh. I almost missed my stop.

Now to those fat people who insist on doing this to other people, I just have one question? Why? If your left ass cheek takes up one whole seat, and the right ass cheek takes up another, what drug are you on that makes you think you can squeeze your fat ass into ONE tiny seat? Please tell us, cause whatever your taking, The Rooster has got to get some of that!!! I mean come on, if you can't stand on a scale without hearing it scream, how do you expect to not crush the person in the next seat. I'm not trying to be mean here, just realistic. Maybe you'll wake up and think before you decide to crush an innocent person under mounds of fat. Or maybe you'll read this and go "Oh Sh*t, this person is me. Maybe I should go on a diet". If you think you should go on a diet, odds are you should. For a year!!

Anyway, that's my rant. If I offended anyone with this rant, tough Sh*t. Grow thicker skin. Odds are you'll need it to hold in all that extra weight your carrying, you fat bastard.

First Post

Our First Post!!!

So have you ever had something that bothered you so much, but you had no one to B*tch to? Well, I have and so have my friends. We are going to use this site to B*tch about everything that bothers us and anyone else who wants to join in the fun. We are going to post stories, funny episodes, and just have random B*tch sessions. So e-mail us if there is something you want to B*tch about and we'll post it here!!! Happy Freakin' B*itch Day!!!

Anyway, have you ever been in the gym and been waiting to use one of the exercise machines? The person in front of you is taking a year and a day, as if doing one more exercise is going to turn their fat ass into a supermodel? And then they finally leave but are still connected with the machine by the HUGE puddle of sweat they left on it? I hate those people and I'm sure everyone else does too!! Why do I hate these people, you may ask? I was at the gym waiting to use the ab machines while Shamu the Killer whale(no offense to the real Shamu from SeaWorld), was using the machine. After the beast moved aside, I eagerly hopped on to finish my workout. But since the fat ass in front of me didn't wipe down the equipment, I fell right off the machine, flat on my ass. Not only was I extremely embarrassed, I hurt my ass bone. I couldn't sit for a week without an ass pillow.

If this pisses you off and you have any funny stories of your own, feel free to e-mail them to me or post them here!! Let the world know what pisses you off!!